Attachment

Attachment, this word has a meaning deeper than we think of. so, what attachment really means?

Attachment means a bond between things and people or people with people, it isn’t necessary to have the thing or people in front of you to have an attachment with them, maybe they were gone far long but you can still be attached to them. This is the blessing as well as the curse of attachment. So, this defines that it is us who always get attached to things and people and it is upon our control to make ourselves attached to things and people and experience pain or pleasure.

To depict this I will tell you my story which goes like this:- I was in 9th class and had fallen in love with a girl that I haven’t met in my life still. So, how did I found her?, as I know her through my family relation and heard some stories about her, then I found her on facebook and chatted with her just as a random girl with no other intention, then slowly things started to get shape and i started liking her then we had a phone call and that was a very delighting day for me, then conversation started going more personal we were enjoying that moment but suddenly I started to develop strange feeling for her and felt like I love her and at a random day when she stated me as bro (to tease me), I made it clear to her about my feelings, she said to think about it and then would revert me back. A day passed and I was thinking maybe I haven’t done right as strange feeling started to arise within me and she also stated that she felt the same way and finally she also gave the same reply that she loves me, then we started to talk overnight and whole days as it was new for me I was quietly excited, everything was going right but then relative had known about this and tried to separate us, I was an afraid child and I become so afraid that I started to not receive her calls and she felt that day how weak I was, but then after a gap we again started talking, also an effort was made by my relative to send a rakhi of her name and as I had multiple cousins I wasn’t able to trace the one and they thought this will dilute our love (that time also I was afraid to reject it and to announce that I won’t accept), but we continued and i felt that she somehow felt my weakness and we talked but then i have been sent to a boarding school where i hasn’t had access to phone and wasn’t able to connect with her. As that school was restricted i started to become rougher and my behavior turned bad then at a trip i got the chance to talk to her but with seniors influence for show off I gave them some minutes to talk to her without her knowing this (i feel still i betrayed her) then we returned and suddenly i wasn’t in good state of min there so i left the hostel and came out and done pretty lame things to her like asking for her nudes and talking to her in a rough way this thing has lead her to develop a bad image for me then one day suddenly she called and said it’s not been working out between us and her want to break up, i was broken but i thought she is just showing her ego and i lamely replied okay but having great attachment towards her that i didn’t want to show. she asked if we still could be friends but i denied because two people who have ever been in love cannot reduce this relationship to friendship (my thought), so i thought that she would call but she hasn’t and also have deactivated all social accounts and changed her phone number which i found when i tried to enquire but she doesn’t want to talk to me, i found from a relative. I was devastated and felt lonely and pain as i haven’t found a reason but she told my relative that she doesn’t want to talk as i have changed, i wasn’t just the circumstances were so that my habit of behaving in such a way had developed.

After that I tried many times to wish her birthday and tried to connect with but she doesn’t want, maybe it is because I was so afraid and weak or maybe I was really rough and hurt her in some way and wanted just to say sorry that I am not getting an opportunity, so this is how I have been attached with her for 5 years without her been knowing, she just doesn’t want to talk or maybe it’s family barriers that our relationship has succumbed to, but I wasn’t strong to give her what she deserves and it is better that she remains with someone who is strong to be with and accept her, make her happy.

This guilt and memories have still kept me attached to her, this attachment doesn’t need her this is just alive which sometimes gives me pain and joy. Maybe someday i will face her and would be able to open my heart to her. So, it is in our hands to keep us attached to someone and others role are less